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Friday, June 10, 2011

A serious one.

I didn't really want to go all serious on here, but I've gotta get this off my chest... literally, I guess. I'm really struggling with the fact that Ella isn't breast-feeding any more. I think I've cried everyday for about a week now. I feel like she got jipped. She only full time BF for about 2 months, then I was forced, yes, seriously forced to supplement. Looking back, no one was there to really support my breast-feeding. That really hurts. The doctor forced me to supplement because she was gaining weight slowly. Will forced me to give her bottles because "the doctor said we had to." Yes, she only gained 7 oz over a month, then gained 1 lb in a week after supplementing. Did she really NEED to gain a whole pound in a week? She WAS gaining weight from me, just very slowly, she was only 2 months old! My girls are both petite, I don't have huge, fat babies. Will's skinny! Thankfully they take after him! Yes, she has a heart condition that makes her burn calories faster, but she was a champ at breast-feeding! She was doing it all the time, she was getting plenty, and I loved doing it! I was going to BF for at least a year, like I did for Hayden! Hayden didn't get sick until that horrible week when Ella was 2 weeks old, passing the RSV onto her. Now, Ella wants nothing to do with BF. She just screams. And screams. When I pump I get nothing, well not nothing, but 1/2 -2 oz total. Not enough to make it worth my time, sitting there for 20 minutes with a screaming baby and a crazy toddler. I'm just sad. So sad. Will doesn't get it and tells me I should just get over it, she "needed" the supplement. I still don't believe in my heart that she did. I feel like I let her and myself down for giving in to the pressure. I'm so incredibly heart broken.

2 comments:

  1. You feel bad cuz you're a terrific mom. I don't know how you feel exactly on this one, but I sense your true disappointment. Ella will love you just the same no matter what she is being fed!

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  2. I can relate, when Jewels was born I was convinced I was going to BF until she was at least a year. My mom couldn't produce anything with us kids but I was determined that was not going to be an issue for me. I tried and tried and tried to breast feed but was forced to supplement the day after she was born. I drank tea, I massaged, I pumped, I did every thing in my power to try to make a health environment for me to produce and I just didn't. I would pump for 20 minutes and get a fourth of an ounce. After a month I gave up. I was heart broken, I thought I was robbing Jewels from the one thing I could for her as a mother. One of my really good friends told me that God granted someone the knowledge to create formula because he knew that not every woman could BF. I know your situation is a little different but I can relate to feeling of not being about to give your child that bonding time. Everything will be ok for you, Ami is right, she will love you just the same no matter how she is being fed. I had also had post partum depression so I took it really hard, don't be afraid to talk to your someone about how you are feeling. I'll be praying........

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