Monday, June 4, 2012

Heartbreak and Joy

Finally.  That word has a few meanings right now.  Finally, I'm writing a post.  It's been a little while.  Finally, schools out for summer! And, the greatest finally... Finally, I'm a REAL stay at home mom! No going back.  We have to make this work.  I'm so excited, so thankful, so overwhelmed.

A little back story.  Not that everyone in the world didn't already know that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but the reason we decided I'd stay home this year.  Well, my mom turned 60 on March 29, 2012.  That same day, I discovered that I was pregnant with baby #3! That was a complete shocker.  We weren't trying.  We were in fact, preventing.  Fact: picking up your prescription late= pregnancy chance.  Not that I didn't know that, but, you know...

That was our deciding factor in whether or not I should stay home next year.  I mean, I'd been praying desperately for God to give us a way for me to stay home.  It was the deepest desire of my heart.  That was a huge answer to prayer.  Flat out, stay home with 3, 3 and under.

Fast forward, 9 weeks pregnant, May 8.  I started to bleed at work.  Obviously not good.  Thankfully, my principal let me leave immediately.  I literally called Will 30 times from the moment I left, until I pulled in the garage, because he wasn't answering his phone.  (He was napping with the girls.) I called my mom and she immediately left work to watch the girls while I went to the doctor.

The doctor's appointment, obviously wasn't good.  When he looked, all he saw was a sac, yolk, and fetal pole, but no baby.  It looked like it was a "blighted ovum," which is basically where everything forms, but the baby.  Will and I lost it.  We had been trying to think positive, but it was crushing.

I decided to go ahead and go to work the next day because I already had a half day scheduled since I was supposed to have my first appointment the very next day.  I got to work, but couldn't think straight, see straight, nothing.  I was in a blur or emotions.  I was bleeding quite a bit more before work, but thought I could make it.  Then about 10 minutes before I was supposed to pick my class up, things turned bad...real bad. I picked the kids up, but heard absolutely nothing that any one of them said to me.  I swear they all had to come up and tell me something as soon as they walked in.

Thankfully, my friend Emily, who taught next door, came in and took control while I called the principal and let him know that I had to leave, NOW.  He understood.  I took the next two days off, to recoup my body, mind, and heart.

I felt embarrassed that I had already told the world, and now had to take it all back.  Then, I truly thought about it.  I know quite a few people who had miscarriages.  I felt like I COULD eventually talk about it.  Why should I be embarrassed, I wasn't alone.  The love I received was amazing.

Anyway, that brings us back to today.  I'm loving my life with my two beautiful girls.  When God grants us another baby, our hearts are ready.  It's all God's timing and we believe and trust in it.  God gave me the gift of changing Will's heart towards letting me stay home.  (Not that he was against it, just worried about money, you know... realistically, it'll be hard.)

Now, I'm home, not stressing about work.  I've got to keep up with this blog! :o) It can't be THAT hard.

I'll end this with my last "Finally," some pictures to leave you on a happy note:

Ella is now 16 months old!
and she has amazing morning hair if she sleeps in a ponytail!

Hayden turns 3 this month!! She's feisty, sassy, little girl.  She's an amazing hugger, smoocher, and snuggler.  I love the fire in this girl, even though she, at almost 3, brings fire in my eyes often! Ha!

1 comment:

  1. Staci, so thrilled you are staying home with your girls....congratulations and smiles for you! Love reading your blog....